Continuing… (It's Part 6 in the saga, I fucked up. Sorry.)
So, after a few re-fueling and impromptu cigar-purchasing stops in South and Central America, we wheel up to the deserted jetway at LAX.
“Thought we were going to Elmendorf?” I asked.
“This isn’t it?” the pilot replied, feigning worry.
“No.”, I replied, “Looks like California. Fruits and nuts. All around. What’s going on? One minute we’re off to Texas, then Cali, then Texas again, now we end up here at the California airport of the iconic tower.”
“Yeah, it’s confusing enough haulin’ civilians around. But when we get a call from Virginia, we tend to comply without any questions,” the pilot explains.
“Aw, shit!”, I sort of exclaim, “Rack and Ruin called?”
“Yeah”, the pilot replies, “Figures you’d know these guys. They said they were closer to LAX rather than Texas and had us divert here. In fact, you look over there, see that dark blue Chevy? That’s them; and evidently, your ride.”
I tipped the airman from earlier a couple of cigars as he helped me with my gear off the plane and into the trunk of Rack and Ruin’s plain-Jane blue late modeled Chevy. Had to move the Sidewinder Missiles off to one side, though.
“Most honorable Agents Lack and Luin!” I quipped in my faux-racist greeting. “What the hell, guys? I’ve got to get to Japan and get some newly rigidified digits.”
“Let’s see your hand”, Agent Rack asks. “Nasty.”
“Yeah”, I sigh “And with the medicos in South America and their penchant for plaster, I don’t so much have a left hand as more of an ankylosaur tail.”
“Or Thagomizer”, Agent Ruin tittered. “Anyone gives you grief, and one upside the head should set them right. Or dead.”
“You’re a riot, Ruin.” I replied, “But not entirely incorrect.”
We all agreed that I really didn’t need any extra accouterments to make myself look more dangerous. I mean with my severe haircut, stern beard clip, and perpetual ‘Go fuck yourself’ scowl.
“Yeah”, I replied, stroking the aforementioned beard, “I just can’t get that. I’m such a people person.”
After Agents Rack and Ruin finished drying their eyes from laughing what I thought was en extremis, we finally got down to business.
“So, what’s the skinny, guys”, I asked. “New marching orders?”
“No. Not as such”, Agent Ruin said, still sniggering over my ‘people person’ comment.
I see we’re moving. Agent Rack is just driving casually, like Chewbacca when they were waiting to see if the Empire went for that expensive Bothan code.
“Then, what?” I asked, getting a slight bit piqued.
“Well”, Agent Ruin noted, “When you went to South America, you took some of your artillery collection with, correct?”
“You know I did. You even made some snide comments about my personal choice of sidearms and their ‘excessive’ calibers, if memory serves”, I reiterated.
“And if you are proceeding normally, as you always do, they’re all nestled in the trunk of this very car. All cleaned, quiet, unloaded, and smelling sweetly of Hoppe’s Number 9 and WD 40, correct?” Rack inquired.
“Yes?” I cautiously venture.
“Well, ya’ big dummy, do you think they’re going to let you saunter into Tokyo armed like the Third Fleet?” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Um…well…I do have a Diplomatic Passport.” I ventured.
“That’s not going to work this time.”, Agent Ruin said, shaking his head. “They’re tighter than Dick’s Hatband about sidearms. Want to bring in your Rigby SXS .500 Nitro Express double rifle? Not a problem. Sidearms, especially in your alien hunting calibers, nope.”
Well, that’s just….*dandy!”, I reply, semi-put out. “Now what the hell am I going to do?”
“Ever think that’s why Ruin and I are here, now?”, Rack asks.
“And here I thought it was just so you could bask in the warm glow of my fucking wonderful personality. Or that you actually cared about me as a real goddamn human”, I joshed.
“Ummm…yeah”, Rack replies, “There’s no way we can answer that without going on some Deadpool list. “
I agreed.
“OK, here’s the deal: you get your sidearms, ammunition, speed loaders, brass knuckles, Asp, laser range finders, Sap, Zeiss scopes, Kukri, Wisconsin Cheese Whittler, Buck folding skinner, Marine K-Bar, those two ultra-illegal Cheburkov Cobra titanium switchblades...”
“Three. Olga the KGB lady sent me one for Geologist’s Day.”
“Ahem. Those three ultra-illegal Cheburkov switchblades, that Wyoming Speedholer, your MASER Time-Distance Computer, garrote, pocket rail gun and whatever else lethal you carry and deposit it in the iron box in the trunk. We’ll ensure that it’s delivered to Esme post-haste. And by post-haste I mean one of our guys will deliver it personally.”
“Well…I suppose”, I conceded, “But best send someone who’s been to the house recently. I don’t know how much bigger Khan has grown since I left on this little fantasy trip. Wouldn’t want a star on the wall in Langley for someone eaten by a mastiff. Want to see a picture….Oh, bother. That’s right. My phone’s at the bottom of fucking Lake Maracaibo.”
“Good point”, Ruin interjects, “Guess we’ll do a little road trip and deliver it ourselves. Best call Esme and let her know what’s going on.”
“I have no objections to your proposals. Please give Esme this when you see her. I had some luck in the Calaveras Casino and if I don’t send her some mad money. Ouch. She’ll never forgive me for not taking her along to Japan.” I asked.
“But I thought Esme hated Japan? Too crowded and too ‘fussy’, I believe was her estimation.” Ruin asked.
“Yes, but once she saw the Ginza, all bets were off. Shopping the likes of which even Allah himself hasn’t seen.” I replied, slowly shaking my head.
“I see”, Ruin said, “Well, since you’re off to Sapporo, perhaps you can do a recon for Esme on the shopping there.”
“Not bad. Not bad at all.”, I smiled, “Now I know why I let you guys hang around with me.”
So, as advertised, I am now standing on the tarmac at LAX, basically feeling naked.
“Can’t I keep just one switchblade?” I moaned to Agent Rack.
“Go ahead, if you’re really keen on donating it to Japanese customs”, he replied.
“Fuckbuckets.” I groused.
“There, there now. That’s the usual Dr. Rocknocker of which we’re all so fond.” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Remember, you do have that wallet-sized credit card gizmo from the Company. So you’re not entirely ‘naked’. Think of it as an emergency breechcloth.” He smiled.
“I’d like a larger model if you don’t mind. It’s chilly out here.” I joshed.
After Agents Rack and Ruin stripped me metaphorically naked as they de-weaponized me, they handed me a Business Class ticket to Tokyo, and a pass to the Japan Airlines Hospitality Suite and Lounge.
“So sorry you guys can’t hang around and have a few farewell snorts”, I chided, “But you’ve got a bit of a drive, so best be off before the weather turns to shit.”
“Who says we’re driving?” Agent Rack asked as he hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the ready and waiting C-130 cargo plane currently taxiing slowly in our direction.
“Well, in that case”, I smiled even more broadly, “Let’s invite the flight crew to join us. That’ll make the flight home all that much more interesting.”
After near tear-jerking farewell sentimentalities, i.e., “Piss on you”, “Get stuffed” and “Take a fuckin’ hike”; Agents Rack and Ruin, my weapons and the Agency’s plain-Jane Blue Chevy were all nestled snugger than buggers in ruggers in the belly of the thundering C-130.
Now truly on my own, I trudge the hundred thousand or so centisteps to my departure terminal, make a quick recon that my flight’s still slated to go in a generally westward direction, and hightail it to the nearest courtesy desk to ask for a motorized cart to take me and my remaining luggage to the JAL Hospitality Suite.
Hey. I’m old, infirm, and currently among the walking wounded.
Anyone that disagrees risks an Ankylosaur tail club swat or Thagomizer to the skull.
Finally ensconced in the JAL Hospitality Suite, Polo Lounge of course; I was drinking Tokyo Teas (3 oz. vodka, 2 oz. gin, 2 oz. rum, 1 oz. triple sec, 1 oz. Midori, good splash of lime juice, a slight splash of 7-Up (diet, of course), over ice with a lime wheel) with Pabst Blue Ribbon Extra 1844 chasers and Hangar One’s “Fog Point” vodka on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of two thousand and twenty-something, Common Era…
I’ve already called Esme and we’ve had a good, long chat. She still managed to give me her shopping list for whenever I find myself bored on the Ginza.
She’ll be shocked when she learns that I’m not going to be in Tokyo long, but have 1st class tickets on the Bullet Train to Sapporo. Still, I’ll probably find myself in Pole Town or the Stellar Place there, trading piles of US greenbacks for locally produced Japanese curios and clothing.
I can hardly wait.
I order another round of drinks, as the wonderful attendants in the Hospitality Suite were bored out of their skulls because of the COVID-induced drop-in customers flying anywhere that requires a hospitality room stay, and I was virtually the only one around. They tried their level best to outdo each other when it comes to Japanese efficiency and friendliness.
After a couple of hours, they ask if I would like something from the grill, as the day chef had “the COVID” and the night chef just arrived. A quick perusal of the menu and I chose a 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse and another round of drinks.
I usually don’t like to eat too much before I fly, but JAL tells me the flight is going to be virtually empty, something like <121 pax, all told, so restroom availability shouldn’t be too much of a concern.
Plus, who am I to say no to a free, blue 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse?
There was a bit of difficulty conveying to the chef through the intermediaries of the hospitality just how I wanted my steak.
“Blue,” I said.
“Brue?” was the reply.
“Rare. Very, very rare.” I continued.
Look of total bewilderment.
I drag out my Personal Language Pro, speak “Steak, very, very rate” into the infernal gizmo, and hand the contraption to the attendant.
“珍しい、非常に珍しいステーキ?”[ Mezurashī, hijō ni mezurashī sutēki?]
“Raw! Nama!” I say, louder than need be.
They toddle off to find the chef.
“How is it sir, that you would like your steak cooked?” he asks.
“Very rare. Just a minute or two per side. Inside still cold.” I instructed.
All I got for the trouble was a puzzled smile.
“Give me the language gizmo…” I type in a few words…
“お尻を洗い、角をノックオフして、ここから出してください”
[O shiri o arai,-kaku o nokkuofu shite, koko kara dashite kudasai.]
“Wash its ass, knock its horns off, and walk it out here.”
“OH!” as the lightbulb pops. “Rare. Got it! Excellent!” the chef laughs and zips back to the kitchen.
Like I always say, I’m nothing if not the international ambassador of amity and goodwill.
“Crack tubes!”
Dinner was fantastic. I do wish I could have somehow mailed the Porterhouse bone back home for Khan. After that hambone incident, he might even taste it.
Finally on the plane, in an almost empty Business Class, the flight captain informs us that we’re headed to Haneda Airport Tokyo and anyone not headed in that direction better ‘haul ass off’ the flight or forever hold their peace.
Late-night international flights tend to be a bit more wooly than your average Chicago to Omaha gig.
Especially when the flight’s damn near empty and we have the next 12 hours or so to be best friends.
We taxi, turn and head into the wind. I’m doctoring up a couple of dossiers and keeping my personal cabin attendant, Luna since there were two of us in Business and two business flight attendants, busy with her trying to play ‘Stump the Geologist’.
“I’ll bet you never had this before.” She beamed and handed me a tumbler of very dangerous-looking brown liquor.
I cautiously sniff, take a modest gulp, swirl and glug the rest down.
“Ohishi Single Sherry Cask”, I say with a muffled belch. “Light. Fruity. An Englishman’s drink.”
“Oh. You knew. Let me try again.” She smiles beatifically.
“I have no objections to your proposal.” I smile as nicely as this crotchety old Komodo Dragon could.
She returns with another flagon of spirits; it smells of obsidian, leather, and earth.
I just had some of this back in LAX. I take a snort, smile, and shotgun the rest.
“Hibiki Japanese Harmony…lovely stuff.” I smile. “A little light for my jaded palate, but I’d never turn it down if it were free.”
“Oh, you win again. Wait. One more.” She smiles and skitters off to the galley.
She returns with another soupçon of some more dangerous brown liquor.
“Here, try this. It will make you very popular at social gatherings”. She smiles.
Sniff. “Splendid.” Snort. Swirl. Smile. Shotgun.
“Kanosuke New Born, if I’m not mistaken.” I smile back. “Very nice. I really do like this one.”
“You too good at this. One more!” she stands and stomps off defiantly. She returns in a trice and hands me the glass.
“Hmm…brown. Light notes of earth, leather, dating your daughter, and Kentucky…
“Beam Suntory, right?”
“You know them all!” she says, feigning irritation.
“And I thank you. Those were all excellent. Now, anything in the dangerous clear liquor category? I asked.
Luna smiled as I palmed off a 20k yen tip.
“Oh, no sir. Wait until we land.” She demurred, referring to the gratuity; which is know is not de rigueur in the Orient, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“Just in case we never make it to Tokyo”, I laughed, unknowingly presciently.
We both chuckled about that last line as she tried out various sakes and shōchūs and an actual Japanese ‘White Liquor’ (ホワイトリカー), which were all excellent as was the company.
I tell her that I need to get some work done and could she bring me a tall Rocknocker. After explain the origins and construction of the eponymous drink, she brings me one that must tip the scales at 1 or so liters.
She settles down to an empty seat and I get after the work that I need to finish before we land. I’m about ½ way through my drink when it felt as if the plane hit a brick wall. She quivered and quaked and clutched at herself while I made some comments about the pilot’s mental health.
We dropped like a paralyzed falcon, then just as suddenly, felt like it was an express elevator to Angel’s 11. The plane bucked and shimmied, wickedly. Then we slam-danced right and fell a few more stories. It was like we were in a Mixmaster and the owner was trying out every speed.
The emergency lights in the 777-300ER popped on, and the fasten seat belt sign barked loudly so even sleeping travelers could enjoy the show.
Rinse. Spin. Shudder. Repeat.
Finally, the ride smooths out and we hear the captain on the blower.
“This is your captain speaking…ah, we seem to have hit some uncharted turbulence back there.”
“Thanks, Captain Obvious”, I muttered.
“Everything’s A-OK. “ he reports.
“That’s good”, I note.
“But…”
“There’s always the but…” I groan.
“…we have a couple of warning lights for which we can’t quite account. So to just be safe and certain, we’re going to divert to Hawaii, get a clean bill of health and resume this flight once we make sure everything here is hunky-dory.”
There were scattered groans and applause. Add them together and divide by two and the average response on the flight was “Meh. Whatever.”
Except for the other guy in Business, with whom I hadn’t shared two words. He began to absolutely lose his shit.
“Oh, man! We’re so screwed! Mechanical malfunction? What does that mean?” he positively fizzed with fear.
The flight attendants tried to calm him down, to no avail. They basically gave up and said they’d report his misgivings to the Captain.
I motioned over to my personal flight attendant, Luna, and asked if I could be of service.
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled at me, “If you could speak with him. You are so calm, and he is…”
“Losing his bloody mind”, I chuckled as I finished her sentence for her. “Of course, I’ll take a stab at it.”
So, I grab my drink and ease over to my Business Class partner and introduce myself.
“Hey, pal. How’s it going? I’m Dr. Rock, gentleman, scholar, and connoisseur of cigars and things alcoholic. You doing OK?”
He looks at me with an ashen face and his eyes the size of bloodshot dinner plates.
“Yeah. I’m Todd Schotts. I’m flying to Japan for business.” He mumbles
“No surprise there,” I reply calmly and take a slug of my drink.
“But now we’re all going to die. The plane is busted and we’ll crash…” he started off again.
“So, Todd is it? Good. You drink?” I asked.
“Yeah?”, he stammered back.
I asked Luna to make us a fresh batch of my eponymous cocktails.
“OK, Todd, listen up”, I began after the drinks were served, “I have flown literally millions of miles over the last 4 decades. On Aeroflot when it was still the USSR. On TACA (Take A Chance Airways), on Chalk’s in the Caribbean, on Bob’s Verrifast Plane Company in Rhodesia, on regional carriers that don’t even exist anymore. All over the world. Had some bad experiences flying, and me ol’ mugger, this ain’t one of them. This is nothing more than the glitch for this mission.”
I chuckled lightly and complimented Luna on a fantastic drink.
“Yeah…yeah…yeah…but we have to land and check out some lights…” Todd squealed.
“Well now, Todd. It would be rather difficult to do any external assessment while in flight, don’t you agree?” I asked.
“But we’re diverting. We have to land and that adds more risk. We’re going to crash and die!” he was coming more and more unglued.
“I will bet you every cent you have on your person and home bank accounts that that will not happen”, I chuckled.
That took him by surprise. At least it shut him up for a while.
“Look, Todd. This is Boeing’s latest model. They have the most incredible safety record. And if a little clear air turbulence were to be knocking planes out of the sky, don’t you think we’d hear about it as the press went berserk?” I asked.
“But they don’t know what the lights mean! What if one of the engines’s out? How far can we fly on one engine?” Todd stuttered.
Having my fill of a supposedly grown man with inane childlike fears, I calmly replied,
“All the way to the crash site.”
He went white.
“...hope we hit something hard. I don’t want to limp away from this.”
He went limp.
Then I went to my seat and motioned for Luna to prepare a reload.
Of course, 45 minutes later, we land without incident at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport, Honolulu Hawaii.
We were told to just wait around until they figure out what the problem if any, was.
They had officials waiting at the end of the jetway to check our COVID status and passports before they let us loose in the terminal.
I asked Luna if she knew this airport. She noted that she did.
“Is there a JAL hospitality room here at this airport? I asked.
“Yes, Doctor. It’s the Sakura Lounge. It is located on the third level above The Local, Terminal 2.” She replied.
“Please notify whoever needs to know that that’s where I’ll be for the duration”, I smiled and handed her my business card. “See you soon, I hope.”
“Oh, Dr. Rock”, she replied, “I am sure it is nothing much. We’ll be back in the air within mere hours.”
“Well then”, I smiled, “Guess I’d better get ready to hoof it to the lounge.”
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled, “No rush. I will call for you a courtesy cart. You are injured, you are Business, you are priority.”
“I love that Asian efficiency.” I smiled back and toddled down the jetway.
At the terminus of the jetway, I show my COVID-clear papers, dates and times of my Anti-Virus vaccine administrations, the letter from Virginia clearing me of all detention, and my red Russian diplomatic passport.
While in the cart, whizzing our way to the JAL lounge, the driver said “Man! You must be some kind of VIP. You were through that welcoming committee in less than two minutes!”
“Me? Nah!”, I chuckled, “Just an old phart of a geologist that they didn’t want to mess with. Not on such a bright, sunny day as this.”
“I see you’re not wearing a mask.” The driver quipped.
“Very observant. There are reasons for that.” I replied.
He careens around a corner and if this were a normal pre-Covid day, I’m certain we’d have killed hundreds. However, the airport, as I’ve come to grow accustomed to, was virtually deserted.
“Yeah? Like what?” he asks.
“Well, Scooter, 1. I have an active and hardworking immune system that I let off the chain every once in a while for exercise. Got to let it know what it’s up against, right? 2. I’ve had all my shots and some that were experimental. They seem to have worked. And 3. I find it difficult to drink and smoke cigars while wearing a mask. However, if you’d prefer, I will mask up. No problem, though it still is optional.”
“Nah, man”, he said, “I was just wondering if you were one of those religious idiots or conspiracy nuts.”
Nope”, I smiled back, “Just another geologist out in the world plying his trade for cash. Y’know, whorin’ around for money.”
He laughs aloud as we skid to a stop right in front of Lounge.
I slip the guy a $20 and ask if he’d listen for the JAL flight I was just on. If we’re going on ahead today, I’d need him to scoot by and putt-putt me back to the plane.
He laughs and pockets the $20 as quick as a mink ruts.
“No worries. I’ll just hang around this area. I hear anything about the flight, I’ll come and let you know.” He grins.
“Good man”, I say, as I hand him my card. “I’m Dr. Rocknocker. Call me Rock”.
“And I’m Kapula Mano, call me Kap” he replies.
“Good man”, I say again, “Hope to see you in a while.”
He grins, floors his electric cart, and peels out at speeds approaching 4.5 MPH.
I wander into the lounge, show my credentials, and am escorted to a post up on Mahogany Ridge.
The bar is very quiet. Besides the bartender, I can’t see anyone else in the darkened and Smooth Jazz-infused drinking emporium.
I order a local drink, a Mai Tai, just for the experience and something a bit different.
It’s served in a goldfish bowl on a stem, bedecked with a slice of lime, a sprig of mint, a stick of sugar cane, a polychromatic orchid, and the obligate paper umbrella.
“Ah. Mai Tai. I will enjoy it.” I said to no one in particular.
One was enough, and I decided to go back to the old standard. Once I explained to the bartender what that was, he made them heroic and enthusiastically.
I’m reading up on a random dossier, making notes in a new file, and puffing away on a Fuentes Onyx double Maduro Churchill cigar.
I hear a slight cough coming from my right, and this here lovely lady, she sat to my immediate starboard and looked at me semi-quizzically.
Not in the mood for shenanigans of any stripe, I give her the obligate Baja Canada nod and tilt of the drink. I return to my dossiers and continue to read and take notes.
“Excuse me!” I hear.
Fearing the worst, either the woman is Karen-oid anti-smoking or a religious fruit-and-nutburger, I slowly turn to face her and reply, somewhat glacially, I have to admit.
“What?”
“That cigar…”
“Here we go…” I mutter, eyes rolling northward.
“Smells exquisite. Could you tell me the brand? My husband would enjoy some like that.” She notes.
Instantly my demeanor switches 180^0.
“Yes, ma’am. It’s an Arturo Fuentes Onyx. Churchill size, or 60 ring x 7” length, double Maduro. Here, take one for your husband. I have an ample supply.” I smile.
“Oh, no. I couldn’t. Could I?” she asks.
“Please. I insist.” I smile the best I could given the circumstances.
“Thank you. You’re too kind…umm…Mr….?”
“Doctor. Doctor Rocknocker. World traveler, oilman, and international ambassador of amity, good drinks, and fine cigars. Call me Rock” I said.
“Oh! A Doctor?” she brightens.
“Yes, of Petroleum Geology and Engineering. Not medicine.” I chuckle.
She chuckles back.
“And I am Hella Aaberg”, as she offers her hand for a quick shake.
“Interesting name, Hella. Scandinavian or Old German heritage?” I ask.
“On my father’s side. He’s Finnish.” She replies.
“But I’ll wager your mother is not Scandinavian, correct?” I ask.
“She was from Truk, an island…”
“In the South Pacific, Micronesia. Was she from Weno city?” I asked.
“Why yes. How could you possibly know that?” she asked.
“Oh, I’ve been there. Great diving amongst the WWII wrecks. I think it’s actually called ‘Chuuk Lagoon’ or something like that now.” I said.
“That’s right! Amazing. Where else have you been?” she asked.
“Anywhere there’s oil, strife, booze, cigars, heavy explosives and typically long distances from whatever most normal people call civilization,” I replied with a chuckle.
Suddenly, I hear a voice booming out behind me.
“Why don’t you save that rapier-like wit for those musky-fuckers back home, Rocko?”
My expression changes. My eyes pop fully wide open.
“Hella?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“May I ask you a favor?”
“You can ask…”
“Thank you. Now, looking over my shoulder, is there a hulking goon of a person, thin up top, paunchy halfway down with the most ridiculously tiny sized shoes you’ve ever seen for a so-called grown man?” I ask.
“Yes. Yes, there is.” She replies.
“I thought so. Many thanks.”
I spin and launch off my barstool and grab Toivo by the hand. He hadn’t seen my left-hand Thagomizer yet.
“Toivo! You old sumbitch. What the flying fennec fox fuck are you, of all people, doing in Hawaii?” I laughed.
“Just keeping an eye on you, Rock!” he laughed equally as loud.
“No, fucking-A, seriously. What the actual fuck? What are you doing in this actual nice place?” I asked.
“Just headed to Tokyo to conduct a bit of service company business. I walked into the lounge and smelled a foul cigar. I figured it can’t be the venerable Dr. Rocknocker. He’s back at some school up north terrorizing geology and engineering grads and undergrads.” Toivo laughed.
“But there I was. Surprise!”, I laughed and pumped his hand.
“What the fuck, Rock. Now what did you do?” he asks, referring to my Ankylosaur tail club left hand.
“Ah, fuck. Long story. Oh, pardon me. Toivo, this is Hella. We were just talking about the South Seas Islands.” I said.
“Planning on running off together?” Toivo laughs, to the amusement of neither party.
“Oh, and this idiot is Toivo, a man with a congenital foot-in-mouth disorder. He’s mostly harmless.” I noted to Hella.
Greetings were shared all around. Hella made some small excuses and said she needed to depart. I gave her another cigar for her husband, shook her hand, and wished her well.
“Here’s my business card. If your husband has any questions, have him drop me a line.” I noted.
Hella smiled beautifully. She said she would. Then she thanked me shook our hands, and like that, there she was, gone.
“Well Toivo, you old bastard. Don't just stand there in the doorway like some lonesome goddamn mouse shit sheepherder, get your ass over here and have a drink.” I motioned over to my perch on Mahogany Ridge.
“Don’t mind if I do”, he says as he deftly winds his way to a seat to my left, snagging a cigar out of my pocket on the way over.
“You might want these”, I say in an exasperated tone, and hand him my gold Dunhill Hobnail lighter and V-cutter gizmo.
He cuts and fires up his heater.
“What you drinkin’, Rock”, he asks.
“Anything with alcohol, as usual. You know that Toiv.” I reply.
“No. I mean right now.” He clarifies.
“Well, I had a Mai Tai. Very nice if you like fruity, flowery drinks. It’s the locals’ favorite.” I reply.
“Sounds good. I’ll have several. And you?” Toivo asks.
“My usual. The bartender is already apprised of the situation.” I reply.
Toivo smiles the smile of one knowing his sobriety is going to be taken out for a swim. Hell, taken out and tossed into the deep end.
Toivo and I sit there, swapping lies, smoking cigars and sipping at our toddies.
Hell, Toivo was slurping them like a sump-pump during an extra-wet summer.
We chattered about family, work, whether or not Tokyo was going to host the Olympics or if the COVID-boogie man scared everyone off.
Toivo, always one afflicted with TB (“Tiny Bladder”) got up to go to the loo for the third time that hour. He left his pocket organizer on the bar and I swear on a stack of Origins of Species, I didn’t touch it.
I reached over to his vacated seat to retrieve my cigar lighter when I looked down and saw in his organizer a tab that reads “Rack & Ruin”.
“Oh. No. Fucking. Way.” I recoiled as I’d just reached out and petted a 6-foot hungover scorpion.
“One of my best friends? Secretly allied with the Agency? No. Not possible.” I drained my drink and called for another.
“No. No. No. It can’t be. No. No fucking way…” as doubt began to dissolve when I thought back to all those times I had just ‘run into’ Toivo.
“But he’s oil patch as well. That could be chalked up to coincidence.” I ruminated quizzically in my brain.
I quickly reflected back on J.M. Darhower: “Yes, you see, there’s no such thing as coincidence. There are no accidents in life. Everything that happens is the result of a calculated move that leads us to where we are.”
She may be the author of the execrable New Adult Sempre series, which Esme likes and I loathe, but she might just be right on this occasion.
Toivo return, lighter in the bladder and good sense. He never even noticed he’d left his organizer out in broad bar light for all to see.
“So, Toivo, when’s your flight?” I ask.
“Oh, man. Was I lucky. The JAL flight to Tokyo from Los Angeles had mechanical trouble and had to divert here. I got a ticket on the plane for that flight, when it continues.
“You mean ‘if it continues’,” I replied.
“Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I meant. Hey! Was that your flight?” he asks innocently. He’s really innocent of fieldcraft.
I decide to have some fun at my old friend’s expense.
“Yep. Hit some CAT (Clear Air Turbulence) and the JAL pilots reported some lighting problem. No apparent ruin to any of the systems. They relay racked their brains to figure it out, but they couldn’t that’s why I here.” I said, waiting for the words to swim upstream in Toivo’s coconut and make some sort of connection.
“Yeah. Double lucky. No problem with the plane and I get to go to Japan early.” Toivo crookedly grins.
“So, no trouble with the plane? Then why haven’t I heard that the flight’s going to resume?” I asked as I pushed a fresh, seriously strong drink to Toivo.
“Oh, must have heard it in the john.” Toivo countered and tried to cover his tracks by taking a huge gulp of his drink and damn near dying coughing.
I pound on Toivo’s back.
“Heimlich time?” I ask.
Toivo signals ‘no’.
“Jesus Christ, Rock. What was that?” he asks.
“Just my usual”, I innocently replied.
“Holy fuck. No wonder you have the reputation of…” Toivo realizes too late that he’s said too much.
“Yeah. They can rack you out. Really ruin a person if they’re not careful.” I reply icily.
“Why, Rock. Whatever do you mean?” Toivo slurred as he realized he’s been caught out.
“The jig is up, you turncoat. You know Agents Rack and Ruin from the agency. Right? You keeping tabs on me for them? You Quisling! You Benedict Arnold!” I almost was on the verge of losing my cool.
“It was nothing. They approached me years ago as I kept being mentioned in your reports. They asked me for some information. One thing leads to another…” Toivo was ready for an Ankylosaur tail club swat to the bean.
“Oh, put your fucking hands down, you asshole.” I smiled and chuckled.
“You’re not mad?” Toivo slurred badly. I had the bartender make him another special drink.
“No, Toivo. Not mad. Just disappointed.” I said, smiling like a Komodo Dragon just finishing up a fortnight-old wildebeest.
Toivo sat there and puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore.
“You’re not going to kill me or anything rude like that?” Toivo asked, half-assedly trying to inject humor into the proceedings.
“Nah. The paperwork’s too ridiculous for me to do another liberation. But, Jesus Fucking Christwagons, Toivo; you could have mentioned it to me. Fuck, I thought we were friends to the end?” I said, dejectedly.
I was really getting through to Toivo. I could tell he was loaded; feeling like shit and massively deplorable.
Great fieldcraft, indeed.
I told him things “are what they are” and that I won’t blow his cover nor his honorarium.
He began to feel better. I often wonder if he was serious about the sanctioning thing.
Then I delivered the strategic missile strike.
“Just remember, Toivo. I wrote your dossier for the Company…”
He swivels to look at me.
“And one for the KGB. Olga says ‘howdy’.” I grin evilly.
Toivo short-circuited at that. Russia is his company’s bread and butter. Now he has the KGB as well as his best buddy looking over his shoulder at every move.
I bought him a few more drinks and continued to needle him about his ’leading a double life’. He was well and truly fuckered when the electric tap-tap driver from before came looking for me to whisk me back to the plane.
Seems it was simply some knocked-out wires on the plane, or slammed bulbs that were generating a false positive, indicating something other than the system that alerts one to something haywire went haywire.
Toivo was pretty much down for the count. I got him sober enough to hand them his ticket and ensure that he was really supposed to be on this flight. Thing was; h e was in Economy, and I was, as always, in Business.
I spoke to Luna, and the plane was going to be even less crowded than previously because some folks could or wouldn’t wait, or didn’t want to go on with the rest of the trip on a ‘damaged’ aircraft, or were just stupid and superstitious.
“Luna, could I pay for the difference between Business and Economy for my less than 100% conscious friend here? He’s had a rough day.” I asked.
“Dr. Rock. Just put him into Business. No one will be the wiser. Luna says so.” As she gave us a grand smile.
“Luna, I owe you. Thanks so much.” I said.
“Now get on board. Your friend looks like he needs all the downtime he can get.”
“Yes, ma’am!” I said and saluted here be best I could which dragging a schnozzled Toivo down the jetway.
I dumped Toivo in a window seat well away from my seat. I know Toivo. He snores like a semi-load of live hogs rocketing downhill locking up the brakes at 88 MPH.
Surprise! There was no one else in Business. Luna looked at me, at Toivo, and gave me a thumbs up.
Whatever I can write to further her career at JAL, she’ll have it before I deplane.
We finally get everyone settled, and with Captain Kangaroo at the helm, we bounced gracelessly off the tarmac, into the warm, tropical Hawaiian air, finally headed for the Land of the Rising Sun.
Toivo was snoring like a chainsaw hitting rusty nails as I worked on the various letters, communiques, and dossiers which needed updating before we reached touchdown. I gave Luna a thick letter with instructions not to open it until we were on the ground and Toivo and I were well off and away into the terminal.
We left Hawaii at 1300 hours, so we should arrive at Tokyo Nareda around 4:00 pm, the previous day. I was so bereft of time and time zones, I couldn’t figure out what time it really was, as judged by my biometric rhythms, so I asked Luna for a stiff drink as I was kicking off my boots and going to attempt to get some kip.
She brought me another liter or so eponymous drink. I was sawing logs by the time I slurped the last swig of that nifty drink.
Suddenly, or later, I have no idea really, some loudmouth drunk asshole from way-the-fuck-back in economy-land toward the ass end of the plane staggered into Business demanding free drinks.
Luna was nothing but civil, and asked him to both shut up and return to his seat. His air cabin hostess, or whatever the fuck they’re calling them these days, will attend to his needs.
“Naw they won’t! They want me to pay for more drinks! I’m broke but I demand more booze! You fucking owe me.” railed the asshole. “I sat at the bar in Hawaii for four hours. Them fuckers charged me an arm and a leg!”
“No, they don’t owe you shit”, I said in a voice that unmistakably loud and clear.
“Fuck you, old man! You stay the fuck out of this!” he bellowed. “Shut up or I’ll do ya’!”
“’Old man’? ‘Do me’? Excuse me. Luna, may I have a word alone with this individual?” I asked sweetly.
Luna shook her head in the affirmative, and I stood up to confront this flagrant asshole.
“Now look, Scooter. You have gone way, way over the fucking line. You are loud. You are abusive. You are obnoxious. And you stink. Plus you insulted a person who is just barely containing his righteous wrath right now. So, I’m giving you one and one only chance to shut up, sit back down before your body spontaneously develops all sort of bruises, contusions, broken bones, and unconsciousness.” I said calmly, evenly, and threateningly.
“What da’ fuck you think you’re going to do…old man?” he screeched, trying to inflate himself into full mammalian threat posture, all 5’ 9” of it.
He didn’t notice Toivo walking up quietly behind him, as Toivo was returning from the head, quiet as a moose.
“Well, Scooter, I am an Air Marshall. Duly appointed, fully trained, and properly pissed off. Right now, I can arrest you, physically detain you, turn this flight around and take you to the Hawaiian police, at your cost for the inconvenience of the entire flight. Or I could arrest you, physically detain you, and turn you over to the Japanese authorities when we land. It’s really your choice. Choose wisely.”
To be continued…⇝

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Team Fortress 2 50,191,347 440
Counter-Strike: Global Offensive 46,305,966 730
PLAYERUNKNOWN'S BATTLEGROUNDS 36,604,134 578080
Unturned 27,381,399 304930
Left 4 Dead 2 23,143,723 550
PAYDAY 2 18,643,807 218620
Garry's Mod 18,576,379 4000
Warframe 16,332,217 230410
Counter-Strike: Source 15,001,876 240
Paladins 14,371,946 444090
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim 13,235,488 72850
Terraria 13,132,545 105600
Portal 2 13,062,700 620
Sid Meier's Civilization V 12,701,498 8930
Grand Theft Auto V 12,604,123 271590
Borderlands 2 11,218,936 49520
Robocraft 10,145,493 301520
Rocket League 10,110,342 252950
Portal 9,971,481 400
War Thunder 9,536,732 236390
Rust 9,147,240 252490
ARK: Survival Evolved 9,103,947 346110
Half-Life 2 8,877,286 220
Brawlhalla 8,646,824 291550
Chivalry: Medieval Warfare 8,260,157 219640
Trove 7,700,319 304050
Path of Exile 7,634,137 238960
Killing Floor 7,395,545 1250
The Binding of Isaac 7,172,818 113200
No More Room in Hell 7,144,320 224260
Alien Swarm 6,667,813 630
Warface 6,656,284 291480
Fallout 4 6,601,188 377160
Arma 3 6,404,450 107410
Cities: Skylines 6,132,366 255710
Insurgency 6,007,744 222880
Euro Truck Simulator 2 5,982,548 227300
APB Reloaded 5,874,946 113400
Age of Empires II HD 5,824,316 221380
Dirty Bomb 5,760,753 333930
Dead by Daylight 5,757,369 381210
SMITE 5,751,466 386360
Castle Crashers 5,555,066 204360
The Forest 5,552,274 242760
Tomb Raider 5,495,033 203160
The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt 5,479,626 292030
Wallpaper Engine 5,279,723 431960
Saints Row IV 5,275,914 206420
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 5,267,226 10180
Spiral Knights 5,226,655 99900
Loadout 5,224,448 208090
Black Squad 5,223,468 550650
Counter-Strike Nexon: Zombies 5,222,958 273110
Fallout: New Vegas 5,222,533 22380
Saints Row: The Third 5,143,189 55230
Magicka 4,976,290 42910
Torchlight II 4,963,949 200710
PAYDAY The Heist 4,944,712 24240
Stardew Valley 4,913,541 413150
Evolve Stage 2 4,826,928 273350
Company of Heroes 2 4,654,955 231430
Left 4 Dead 4,604,963 500
The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings Enhanced Edition 4,585,616 20920
BioShock Infinite 4,563,627 8870
Arma 2: Operation Arrowhead 4,514,397 33930
Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor 4,468,234 241930
ORION: Prelude 4,419,554 104900
Day of Defeat: Source 4,419,447 300
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim Special Edition 4,398,897 489830
Clicker Heroes 4,338,397 363970
Starbound 4,309,358 211820
Blacklight: Retribution 4,268,464 209870
Mount & Blade: Warband 4,219,791 48700
Space Engineers 4,204,751 244850
7 Days to Die 4,184,553 251570
Dead Island 4,182,465 91310
Just Cause 2 4,161,156 8190
Magic Duels 4,109,602 316010
Borderlands 4,079,485 8980
Goat Simulator 4,065,978 265930
Life is Strange - Episode 1 4,017,852 319630
Killing Floor 2 3,980,635 232090
theHunter Classic 3,979,429 253710
Half-Life 2: Episode One 3,917,529 380
Infestation: The New Z 3,888,922 555570
AdVenture Capitalist 3,759,378 346900
Call of Duty: Black Ops 3,759,377 42700
Realm of the Mad God 3,757,613 200210
Dishonored 3,700,352 205100
Sid Meier’s Civilization VI 3,680,328 289070
BattleBlock Theater 3,605,148 238460
Undertale 3,581,310 391540
Red Orchestra 2: Heroes of Stalingrad with Rising Storm 3,501,161 35450
Just Survive 3,491,666 295110
Empire: Total War 3,491,439 10500
Dying Light 3,467,531 239140
Fallout Shelter 3,371,793 588430
Total War: ROME II - Emperor Edition 3,350,407 214950
DARK SOULS III 3,294,533 374320
DARK SOULS: Prepare To Die Edition 3,289,250 211420
Half-Life 2: Episode Two 3,281,382 420
LIMBO 3,207,480 48000
DOOM 3,197,626 379720
Crusader Kings II 3,170,312 203770
Human: Fall Flat 3,097,845 477160
Call of Duty: Black Ops III 3,021,623 311210
America's Army 3 3,014,457 13140
Call of Duty: Black Ops II 2,998,561 202970
Gotham City Impostors Free to Play 2,982,059 206210
Fistful of Frags 2,973,385 265630
Super Meat Boy 2,970,487 40800
Sniper Elite V2 2,946,959 63380
A.V.A. Alliance of Valiant Arms 2,876,701 102700
Subnautica 2,866,791 264710
DC Universe Online 2,863,993 24200
Prison Architect 2,856,218 233450
The Walking Dead 2,846,244 207610
This War of Mine 2,817,954 282070
Outlast 2,813,619 238320
Hitman: Absolution 2,805,822 203140
Trine 2: Complete Story 2,791,654 35720
The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth 2,756,509 250900
SpeedRunners 2,753,552 207140
Ace of Spades: Battle Builder 2,699,933 224540
Dungeon Defenders II 2,642,504 236110
Just Cause 2: Multiplayer Mod 2,625,503 259080
Amnesia: The Dark Descent 2,609,222 57300
Sid Meier's Civilization: Beyond Earth 2,606,575 65980
Deceit 2,604,178 466240
Sanctum 2 2,602,292 210770
Hotline Miami 2,584,720 219150
Bastion 2,577,876 107100
Zombie Panic! Source 2,573,292 17500
South Park: The Stick of Truth 2,533,584 213670
Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War II 2,492,053 15620
Rise of the Tomb Raider 2,491,210 391220
Dustforce DX 2,490,746 65300
Dungeon Defenders 2,483,252 65800
Batman: Arkham City - Game of the Year Edition 2,467,996 200260
Block N Load 2,434,754 299360
Guns of Icarus Online 2,424,726 209080
Viscera Cleanup Detail: Shadow Warrior 2,418,851 255520
Toribash 2,371,160 248570
World of Guns: Gun Disassembly 2,367,076 262410
Dino D-Day 2,364,083 70000
Just Cause 3 2,345,094 225540
Survarium 2,337,644 355840
Mafia II 2,312,872 50130
Papers, Please 2,306,775 239030
Dead Island Riptide 2,299,047 216250
Tabletop Simulator 2,297,649 286160
ARK: Survival Of The Fittest 2,284,297 407530
Golf With Your Friends 2,271,522 431240
Batman: Arkham Asylum Game of the Year Edition 2,240,464 35140
XCOM 2 2,222,475 268500
Darkest Dungeon 2,214,527 262060
Napoleon: Total War 2,178,916 34030
Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel 2,176,285 261640
Monaco: What's Yours Is Mine 2,153,213 113020
How to Survive 2 2,150,505 360170
Banished 2,147,445 242920
Fallen Earth Free2Play 2,139,999 113420
Sanctum 2,088,528 91600
Total War: WARHAMMER 2,085,605 364360
Transformice 2,070,157 335240
Codename CURE 2,044,268 355180
Serious Sam 3: BFE 2,029,621 41070
Metro 2033 Redux 2,025,648 286690
Stick Fight: The Game 2,007,237 674940
Plague Inc: Evolved 2,002,770 246620
Tropico 4 2,000,449 57690
Natural Selection 2 1,993,899 4920
Europa Universalis IV 1,983,657 236850
Stellaris 1,967,015 281990
Star Conflict 1,960,641 212070
Gear Up 1,922,501 214420
POSTAL 2 1,911,217 223470
GunZ 2: The Second Duel 1,895,812 242720
ArcheBlade 1,886,025 207230
Surgeon Simulator 1,879,150 233720
The Long Dark 1,875,963 305620
Broforce 1,863,667 274190
Depth 1,853,782 274940
Line of Sight 1,853,533 436520
Source Filmmaker 1,852,569 1840
Batman: Arkham Origins 1,851,868 209000
Warhammer: End Times - Vermintide 1,843,514 235540
Risk of Rain 1,825,993 248820
AirMech Strike 1,823,483 206500
America's Army: Proving Grounds 1,823,295 203290
Wolfenstein: The New Order 1,819,928 201810
Sniper Elite 3 1,810,081 238090
Alan Wake 1,804,210 108710
Alien Swarm: Reactive Drop 1,788,990 563560
Mad Max 1,775,140 234140
METAL GEAR SOLID V: THE PHANTOM PAIN 1,750,593 287700
Max Payne 3 1,740,909 204100
Cuphead 1,735,419 268910
Worms Revolution 1,730,275 200170
Crossout 1,727,005 386180
Tropico 5 1,718,552 245620
Factorio 1,706,659 427520
BRINK 1,700,604 22350
Game Dev Tycoon 1,696,896 239820
Champions Online 1,691,316 9880
Gang Beasts 1,689,567 285900
Emily is Away 1,689,541 417860
Divinity: Original Sin 2 1,688,895 435150
Darksiders 1,683,431 50620
Planet Coaster 1,682,734 493340
Shadow Warrior 1,648,323 233130
Plants vs. Zombies GOTY Edition 1,647,028 3590
Car Mechanic Simulator 2015 1,631,855 320300
Skullgirls 1,621,794 245170
Contagion 1,616,994 238430
Assassin’s Creed IV Black Flag 1,616,095 242050
Trine Enchanted Edition 1,604,101 35700
Squad 1,602,466 393380
L.A. Noire 1,596,369 110800
AudioSurf 1,561,882 12900
Mark of the Ninja 1,559,947 214560
BioShock 2 1,558,279 8850
Endless Space - Collection 1,549,005 208140
HITMAN 1,534,824 236870
ShellShock Live 1,529,238 326460
STAR WARS Knights of the Old Republic II - The Sith Lords 1,529,038 208580
Endless Legend 1,516,227 289130
SEGA Mega Drive and Genesis Classics 1,514,485 34270
How to Survive 1,514,177 250400
Hero Siege 1,502,327 269210
Divinity: Original Sin - Enhanced Edition 1,501,547 373420
GRID 2 1,498,449 44350
Metro: Last Light Redux 1,492,907 287390
Fractured Space 1,489,602 310380
SNOW 1,487,372 244930
Rogue Legacy 1,479,581 241600
Grim Dawn 1,464,229 219990
Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Links 1,461,356 601510
Business Tour - Online Multiplayer Board Game 1,457,596 397900
Mortal Kombat X 1,455,905 307780
DARK SOULS II: Scholar of the First Sin 1,453,157 335300
Quake Live 1,444,119 282440
Sleeping Dogs 1,432,733 202170
Call of Duty: Ghosts 1,424,741 209160
Black Desert Online 1,413,060 582660
Bloons TD Battles 1,410,438 444640
Batman: Arkham Knight 1,396,715 208650
No Man's Sky 1,396,577 275850
SPINTIRES 1,392,564 263280
Age of Mythology: Extended Edition 1,369,504 266840
Deus Ex: Human Revolution - Director's Cut 1,358,070 238010
Hearts of Iron IV 1,352,834 394360
Total War: ATTILA 1,331,963 325610
Transistor 1,329,184 237930
Altitude 1,321,782 41300
Geometry Dash 1,317,156 322170
Resident Evil 6 / Biohazard 6 1,317,100 221040
Thief 1,313,521 239160
Ultra Street Fighter IV 1,306,698 45760
Who's Your Daddy 1,305,248 427730
The Escapists 1,296,849 298630
Scribblenauts Unlimited 1,296,525 218680
Double Action: Boogaloo 1,293,392 317360
BioShock Remastered 1,289,273 409710
Worms Reloaded 1,289,109 22600
Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War II Chaos Rising 1,285,276 20570
Injustice: Gods Among Us Ultimate Edition 1,279,176 242700
FEZ 1,276,275 224760
Pillars of Eternity 1,275,530 291650
DARK SOULS II 1,266,678 236430
Warhammer: Vermintide 2 1,252,257 552500
Brutal Legend 1,235,714 225260
Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed Collection 1,232,451 212480
Mount & Blade: With Fire & Sword 1,231,509 48720
Aliens vs. Predator 1,231,126 10680
Slime Rancher 1,216,760 433340
Yet Another Zombie Defense 1,208,380 270550
Divinity: Original Sin (Classic) 1,208,170 230230
Psychonauts 1,207,186 3830
Layers of Fear 1,203,631 391720
Hand Simulator 1,199,631 657200
Mortal Kombat Komplete Edition 1,186,829 237110
Duck Game 1,183,631 312530
Homefront 1,182,312 55100
NieR:Automata 1,175,123 524220
Deus Ex: Mankind Divided 1,155,405 337000
Iron Snout 1,154,435 424280
Stranded Deep 1,154,025 313120
Verdun 1,149,077 242860
Quake Champions 1,146,284 611500
The Darkness II 1,145,131 67370
Enter the Gungeon 1,144,928 311690
Conan Exiles 1,140,205 440900
Interstellar Marines 1,140,120 236370
FINAL FANTASY VII 1,136,100 39140
Dishonored 2 1,127,089 403640
Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare - Gold Edition 1,123,642 209650
Miscreated 1,123,426 299740
Crypt of the NecroDancer 1,122,748 247080
Slay the Spire 1,122,489 646570
Kingdom: Classic 1,120,501 368230
Orcs Must Die! Unchained 1,115,355 427270
Planetary Annihilation 1,108,262 233250
Lead and Gold: Gangs of the Wild West 1,107,457 42120
Orcs Must Die! 1,105,153 102600
PAC-MAN Championship Edition DX+ 1,102,937 236450
Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine 1,099,682 55150
Everlasting Summer 1,097,391 331470
F.E.A.R. 3 1,096,875 21100
Sins of a Solar Empire: Rebellion 1,092,043 204880
Sniper: Ghost Warrior 2 1,089,080 34870
To the Moon 1,086,773 206440
State of Decay 1,083,514 241540
Dungeon of the Endless 1,080,885 249050
Pirates, Vikings, and Knights II 1,077,057 17570
DiRT Rally 1,073,123 310560
Frozen Synapse 1,065,406 98200
Brothers - A Tale of Two Sons 1,056,557 225080
The Walking Dead: Season 2 1,054,661 261030
Day of Infamy 1,052,510 447820
Supreme Commander 2 1,048,307 40100
Super Hexagon 1,045,138 221640
Titan Quest Anniversary Edition 1,041,965 475150
Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number 1,037,686 274170
WAKFU 1,036,289 215080
Assassin's Creed Origins 1,030,581 582160
Serious Sam HD: The First Encounter 1,025,064 41000
F1 2015 1,022,816 286570
Jotun: Valhalla Edition 1,022,556 323580
Men of War: Assault Squad 2 1,019,383 244450
World of Warships 1,015,572 552990
Braid 1,012,406 26800
The Wolf Among Us 1,011,210 250320
Red Faction Guerrilla Steam Edition 1,010,775 20500
Resident Evil 5/ Biohazard 5 1,005,089 21690
Gauntlet Slayer Edition 999,905 258970
Hollow Knight 999,648 367520
Ori and the Blind Forest 997,767 261570
LEGO Marvel Super Heroes 991,243 249130
DmC: Devil May Cry 987,543 220440
World of Goo 986,510 22000
Ryse: Son of Rome 984,278 302510
Project CARS 974,136 234630
SCP: Secret Laboratory 973,512 700330
HELLDIVERS 972,013 394510
Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen 970,603 367500
NARUTO SHIPPUDEN: Ultimate Ninja STORM 4 965,482 349040
Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning 963,308 102500
Firewatch 959,053 383870
Hammerwatch 957,659 239070
Total War: WARHAMMER II 955,731 594570
Football Manager 2018 955,508 624090
Move or Die 952,680 323850
Rising Storm 2: Vietnam 952,431 418460
Poker Night at the Inventory 952,378 31280
Middle-earth: Shadow of War 952,284 356190
Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy 948,332 240720
Magic 2014 â€" Duels of the Planeswalkers 945,492 213850
Dust: An Elysian Tail 943,681 236090
Mount Your Friends 942,809 296470
Zombie Army Trilogy 939,676 301640
8BitMMO 934,749 250420
Sniper: Ghost Warrior 934,745 34830
Zula Europe 931,624 513650
Sleeping Dogs: Definitive Edition 930,591 307690
The Talos Principle 927,932 257510
Farming Simulator 15 916,206 313160
Portal Knights 914,016 374040
Spelunky 906,689 239350
Unreal Tournament 3 Black 902,895 13210
Reus 897,320 222730
Call of Duty: WWII 891,381 476600
METAL GEAR SOLID V: GROUND ZEROES 890,926 311340
Duke Nukem Forever 886,514 57900
Strife 884,685 339280
Relic Hunters Zero 884,002 382490
Nation Red 877,968 39800
Hacknet 877,129 365450
Dragons and Titans 870,310 263500
Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare 869,560 292730
Lost Castle 864,412 434650
BRAIN / OUT 860,262 578310
Rise of Nations: Extended Edition 859,562 287450
Magicka 2 857,543 238370
WildStar 857,109 376570
HuniePop 855,769 339800
Mafia III 855,604 360430
Red Orchestra: Ostfront 41-45 849,053 1200
Town of Salem 847,565 334230
The Culling 843,301 437220
SUPERHOT 842,122 322500
Blood and Bacon 842,105 434570
Cortex Command 841,552 209670
Worms Clan Wars 840,770 233840
Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes 836,026 341800
Dead Cells 834,231 588650
Stronghold Crusader 2 828,019 232890
Kingdom Come: Deliverance 827,988 379430
Time Clickers 826,505 385770
Assetto Corsa 826,288 244210
DRAGON BALL XENOVERSE 824,682 323470
theHunter: Call of the Wild 815,169 518790
Raft 810,826 648800
We Were Here 810,432 582500
Poly Bridge 806,360 367450
BeamNG.drive 804,022 284160
Farming Simulator 17 796,543 447020
Deadlight 795,749 211400
Zero Gear 795,021 18820
Nidhogg 787,983 94400
Northgard 787,294 466560
MechWarrior Online Solaris 7 787,170 342200
Red Faction: Armageddon 785,298 55110
School of Dragons 781,378 332070
CS2D 780,433 666220
MOBIUS FINAL FANTASY 777,318 536930
BrainBread 2 774,021 346330
Ultimate Chicken Horse 770,483 386940
E.Y.E: Divine Cybermancy 768,052 91700
Valkyria Chronicles 767,675 294860
Ori and the Blind Forest: Definitive Edition 764,826 387290
Age of Wonders III 764,290 226840
VVVVVV 763,558 70300
Legend of Grimrock 762,137 207170
They Are Billions 755,147 644930
Defy Gravity Extended 754,043 96100
Space Pirates and Zombies 753,148 107200
LEGO Worlds 752,946 332310
Universe Sandbox 752,402 72200
Endless Space 2 750,761 392110
The Banner Saga 747,734 237990
Baldur's Gate: Enhanced Edition 745,407 228280
Deponia 743,347 214340
Lords Of The Fallen 742,534 265300
SUNLESS SEA 740,790 304650
The Evil Within 740,543 268050
Primal Carnage 731,052 215470
EVGA Precision XOC 730,012 268850
Homeworld Remastered Collection 728,091 244160
The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing 726,646 215530
Bendy and the Ink Machine 721,168 622650
Dwarfs - F2P 720,104 213650
Sniper Elite 4 715,583 312660
Youtubers Life 714,623 428690
Lethal League 714,007 261180
Risen 2: Dark Waters 713,807 40390
DEFCON 708,655 1520
Monday Night Combat 708,500 63200
Atlas Reactor 707,718 402570
FINAL FANTASY XIII 707,712 292120
resident evil 4 / biohazard 4 704,953 254700
Prey 704,179 480490
Two Worlds II HD 703,263 7520
Gunpoint 702,654 206190
Viscera Cleanup Detail 701,439 246900
METAL GEAR RISING: REVENGEANCE 691,324 235460
Fallout: New Vegas 690,496 22490
Democracy 3 688,243 245470
Card Hunter 688,214 293260
SpaceChem 682,706 92800
Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War III 680,572 285190
Frostpunk 679,334 323190
LawBreakers 674,335 350280
One Finger Death Punch 673,342 264200
NARUTO SHIPPUDEN: Ultimate Ninja STORM 3 Full Burst HD 671,888 234670
Poker Night 2 671,540 234710
Boring Man - Online Tactical Stickman Combat 670,347 346120
INSIDE 669,904 304430
The Red Solstice 668,962 265590
RESIDENT EVIL 7 biohazard / BIOHAZARD 7 resident evil 668,829 418370
Steel Ocean 661,286 390670
Stories: The Path of Destinies 660,285 439190
Resident Evil Revelations 2 / Biohazard Revelations 2 658,030 287290
Minion Masters 656,913 489520
METAL SLUG 3 651,482 250180
Sonic Generations Collection 647,871 71340
BIT.TRIP RUNNER 647,721 63710
Outland 646,962 305050
Nuclear Dawn 640,448 17710
Dungeon Siege III 638,566 39160
Rock of Ages 636,120 22230
The Descendant 633,209 351940
Friday the 13th: The Game 629,644 438740
Dead Rising 2 627,795 45740
Wasteland 2: Director's Cut 626,811 240760
Painkiller Hell & Damnation 625,428 214870
Transmissions: Element 120 625,220 365300
Hand of Fate 624,982 266510
Wargame: European Escalation 621,393 58610
Pixel Piracy 618,061 264140
Race The Sun 615,654 253030
Only If 614,140 298260
Blade Symphony 610,347 225600
Machinarium 609,675 40700
Doom 3: BFG Edition 604,250 208200
FORCED: Slightly Better Edition 603,718 249990
Woodle Tree Adventures 603,408 299460
Beat Hazard 601,573 49600
Talisman: Digital Edition 601,352 247000
Homefront: The Revolution 600,976 223100
Wolfenstein: The Old Blood 600,610 350080
Overcooked 600,140 448510
Game of Thrones - A Telltale Games Series 598,965 330840
Lucius 596,725 218640
Darksiders Warmastered Edition 596,551 462780
Black Mesa 595,780 362890
Eador. Masters of the Broken World 595,663 232050
Hyper Light Drifter 595,090 257850
Modern Combat Versus 594,344 723780
Satellite Reign 592,993 268870
Tales from the Borderlands 592,856 330830
Heroes of Might & Magic III - HD Edition 591,573 297000
Farming Simulator 2013 Titanium Edition 590,518 220260
Cave Story+ 590,104 200900
FaceRig 589,693 274920
Viridi 587,504 375950
Remember Me 587,213 228300
Guns and Robots 587,059 293540
Starpoint Gemini 2 586,707 236150
Dungeons 2 584,679 262280
Shovel Knight: Treasure Trove 583,872 250760
GRID Autosport 583,602 255220
Fable Anniversary 582,271 288470
LEGO The Lord of the Rings 582,228 214510
Thomas Was Alone 581,719 220780
FINAL FANTASY VIII 581,505 39150
Octodad: Dadliest Catch 581,181 224480
I am Bread 579,156 327890
60 Seconds! 578,493 368360
NEKOPARA Vol. 1 578,066 333600
ABZU 577,340 384190
Sniper Elite: Nazi Zombie Army 577,105 227100
TOXIKK 575,390 324810
Planetary Annihilation: TITANS 569,681 386070
FINAL FANTASY X/X-2 HD Remaster 568,989 359870
Fortified 568,944 334210
Anomaly: Warzone Earth 567,765 91200
Armello 565,864 290340
NEKOPARA Vol. 0 565,127 385800
Kingdoms and Castles 563,737 569480
Tyranny 562,631 362960
The Flame in the Flood 561,716 318600
Darksiders II Deathinitive Edition 560,050 388410
Defense Grid: The Awakening 558,114 18500
Pinball Arcade 555,716 238260
Viscera Cleanup Detail: Santa's Rampage 555,426 265210
Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs 554,955 239200
Dungeons of Dredmor 554,550 98800
BlackShot: Mercenary Warfare FPS 553,384 433350
Soldier Front 2 552,866 239660
Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light 550,882 35130
Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus 549,457 612880
Door Kickers 549,148 248610
Mini Metro 547,876 287980
Killer is Dead - Nightmare Edition 546,981 261110
Blackwake 546,456 420290
TEKKEN 7 541,238 389730
Punch Club 541,121 394310
Duelyst 538,747 291410
Gone Home 538,219 232430
Guacamelee! Gold Edition 538,061 214770
NBA 2K18 537,845 577800
Golf It! 537,751 571740
Saints Row: Gat out of Hell 536,513 301910
Crush Crush 535,661 459820
DRAGON BALL XENOVERSE 2 535,273 454650
Turbo Pug DX 534,698 513780
Life is Feudal: Your Own 534,443 290080
Jet Set Radio 533,153 205950
Dungeon Fighter Online 531,876 495910
Shadowrun: Dragonfall - Director's Cut 530,607 300550
You Have to Win the Game 530,340 286100
Ace Combat Assault Horizon - Enhanced Edition 527,228 228400
Out There Somewhere 521,927 263980
Alan Wake's American Nightmare 521,355 202750
Grim Fandango Remastered 516,584 316790
3DMark 515,275 223850
Murdered: Soul Suspect 514,458 233290
Craft The World 509,631 248390
Kingdom: New Lands 509,466 496300
Bold New World 505,953 581620
Resident Evil Revelations / Biohazard Revelations 503,330 222480
Warhammer 40,000: Eternal Crusade 502,562 375230
NBA 2K17 501,303 385760
Offworld Trading Company 499,550 271240
Blockstorm 499,027 263060
100% Orange Juice 498,987 282800
Soda Dungeon 497,334 564710
Learn to Fly 3 496,965 589870
Reigns 496,869 474750
The Witness 494,237 210970
Nuclear Throne 492,848 242680
Battleborn 492,052 394230
Car Mechanic Simulator 2018 491,057 645630
SOMA 490,677 282140
TerraTech 489,971 285920
FINAL FANTASY XV WINDOWS EDITION 489,872 637650
The Escapists 2 489,056 641990
Of Guards And Thieves 488,098 302590
Worms Ultimate Mayhem 486,841 70600
Realm Grinder 486,185 610080
Styx: Master of Shadows 485,922 242640
Sniper Elite: Nazi Zombie Army 2 485,909 247910
The Swapper 484,015 231160
Forts 483,174 410900
X3: Terran Conflict 482,728 2820
Jurassic World Evolution 481,240 648350
Governor of Poker 3 479,096 436150
Bad Rats: the Rats' Revenge 476,787 34900
Galactic Civilizations III 476,035 226860
NBA 2K16 469,791 370240
Puzzle Pirates 469,196 99910
RUNNING WITH RIFLES 468,632 270150
Life is Strange: Before the Storm 467,572 554620
Pixel Puzzles Ultimate 461,488 351030
Mirror 456,954 644560
Aliens: Colonial Marines Collection 456,851 49540
THE KING OF FIGHTERS XIII STEAM EDITION 456,361 222940
GUNS UP! 455,442 446150
Victor Vran ARPG 453,908 345180
Teleglitch: Die More Edition 453,247 234390
Turmoil 452,658 361280
Magic: The Gathering - Duels of the Planeswalkers 2013 452,484 97330
CastleMiner Z 451,422 253430
Cities in Motion 2 451,407 225420
Prismata 451,302 490220
Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days 448,371 28000
UnEpic 446,738 233980
ibb & obb 446,523 95400
Batla 445,267 338180
DRAGON BALL FighterZ 444,795 678950
Superbrothers: Sword & Sworcery EP 439,828 204060
ICEY 437,615 553640
Call to Arms 436,655 302670
Ball 3D: Soccer Online 434,225 485610
A Story About My Uncle 433,874 278360
Terra Incognita ~ Chapter One: The Descendant 433,639 347560
Written in the Sky 433,025 416130
Evoland 431,669 233470
Piercing Blow 428,413 382850
DLC Quest 425,947 230050
Bayonetta 424,901 460790
Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice 422,733 414340
Murder Miners 421,780 274900
Friday the 13th: Killer Puzzle 420,843 795100
Baldur's Gate II: Enhanced Edition 420,031 257350
Broken Age 419,666 232790
My Summer Car 416,575 516750
Construction Simulator 2015 416,518 289950
Sonic Adventure 2 416,375 213610
Hell Yeah! Wrath of the Dead Rabbit 415,904 205230
Resident Evil / biohazard HD REMASTER 415,885 304240
Heaven Island - VR MMO 413,860 400250
Osmos 413,551 29180
Jamestown 413,206 94200
Loading Screen Simulator 412,731 652980
Freebie 411,391 487220
Dystopia 410,346 17580
Tales of Zestiria 410,109 351970
Men of War: Assault Squad 409,681 64000
Turn Around 407,501 595340
Shadow Tactics: Blades of the Shogun 405,980 418240
Hyperdimension Neptunia Re;Birth1 / è¶...次次å...ƒã‚²ã‚¤ãƒ ネプテューヌRe;Birth1 / è¶...次次å...ƒéŠæˆ²æˆ°æ©Ÿå°'女重ç"Ÿ1 405,416 282900
Sol Survivor 405,082 45000
Nexuiz 404,730 96800
Skyforge 404,721 414530
State of Decay: YOSE 403,911 329430
Time of Dragons 402,752 353130
Turbo Dismount 402,549 263760
Shower With Your Dad Simulator 2015: Do You Still Shower With Your Dad 401,903 359050
Salt and Sanctuary 400,674 283640
LEGO The Hobbit 400,545 285160
Savage Lands 399,316 307880
Robot Roller-Derby Disco Dodgeball 396,373 270450
The Culling Of The Cows 396,159 297020
Back to Bed 394,370 308040
Tower Wars 393,962 214360
Invisible, Inc. 393,703 243970
Trine 3: The Artifacts of Power 392,900 319910
Polarity 392,114 315430
SAMOLIOTIK 388,554 449680
Outlast 2 387,821 414700
Dr. Langeskov, The Tiger, and The Terribly Cursed Emerald: A Whirlwind Heist 387,663 409160
RWBY: Grimm Eclipse 387,405 418340
F1 2017 386,242 515220
Cook, Serve, Delicious! 384,598 247020
DEAD OR ALIVE 5 Last Round: Core Fighters 383,476 311730
Hide and Shriek 382,313 480430
Bloody Trapland 380,476 257750
Crusaders of the Lost Idols 379,611 402840
The Vanishing of Ethan Carter 379,237 258520
Castlevania: Lords of Shadow â€" Ultimate Edition 379,043 234080
Rebel Galaxy 378,307 290300
Cogs 377,806 26500
Magic: The Gathering - Duels of the Planeswalkers 2012 377,401 49470
This Is the Police 376,582 443810
Genital Jousting 375,882 469820
Mountain 375,718 313340
Nomad 371,579 378370
Revolution Ace 371,346 274560
AI War: Fleet Command 371,287 40400
Streets of Rogue 371,171 512900
Never Alone (Kisima Ingitchuna) 370,263 295790
Death Rally 370,163 108700
Long Live The Queen 369,384 251990
Planet Explorers 369,351 237870
Clustertruck 368,787 397950
RPG MO 368,618 372800
Party Hard 367,745 356570
SteamWorld Dig 367,286 252410
Princess.Loot.Pixel.Again 365,728 414290
Grey Goo 364,090 290790
DYNASTY WARRIORS 8: Xtreme Legends Complete Edition / 真・三國無双７ with 猛将伝 363,817 278080
NARUTO SHIPPUDEN: Ultimate Ninja STORM Revolution 363,459 272510
F1 2012 363,358 208500
War for the Overworld 363,113 230190
Galactic Junk League 362,859 562590
Planetbase 361,192 403190
Cossacks 3 360,956 333420
No Time To Explain Remastered 360,564 368730
Tiny and Big: Grandpa's Leftovers 360,126 205910
Organ Trail: Director's Cut 359,935 233740
Kingdom Wars 359,640 227180
The Last Hope 359,502 522570
VEGA Conflict 359,362 339600
BIT.TRIP Presents... Runner2: Future Legend of Rhythm Alien 358,624 218060
Windward 355,878 326410
Really Big Sky 355,611 201570
Anarchy Arcade 355,332 266430
Slender: The Arrival 354,224 252330
Bloons TD 5 354,027 306020
Halo: Spartan Assault 352,861 277430
Timberman 352,371 398710
Toki Tori 352,195 38700
House Flipper 351,645 613100
Sniper Fury 351,470 591740
Titan Souls 350,359 297130
Morphopolis 349,778 314020
Catch a Falling Star 349,290 451880
DARK SOULS: REMASTERED 348,944 570940
King Arthur's Gold 348,064 219830
Nioh: Complete Edition / 仁王 Complete Edition 347,803 485510
Minecraft: Story Mode - A Telltale Games Series 346,763 376870
Guild Quest 346,627 547680
The Banner Saga: Factions 346,032 219340
One Piece Pirate Warriors 3 345,720 331600
LEGO Jurassic World 343,167 352400
X Rebirth 343,046 2870
Risen 3 - Titan Lords 342,772 249230
The Tower Of Elements 342,253 377310
Knights of Pen and Paper +1 Edition 342,008 231740
Costume Quest 341,308 115100
DETOUR 341,194 92100
Revenge of the Titans 340,794 93200
State of Anarchy 340,127 463210
Solar 2 339,780 97000
Battle Islands 338,532 305260
Transport Fever 337,931 446800
SAS: Zombie Assault 4 337,896 678800
Damned 337,285 251170
Space Beret 337,145 547960
The LEGO Movie - Videogame 336,631 267530
Giana Sisters: Twisted Dreams 335,909 223220
Dead Island Definitive Edition 335,791 383150
Hard Reset Extended Edition 335,265 98400
Pony Island 334,799 405640
FINAL FANTASY IX 333,922 377840
Mordheim: City of the Damned 332,983 276810
AX:EL - Air XenoDawn 332,904 319830
Epigenesis 332,826 244590
Dead Realm 331,065 352460
Botanicula 330,330 207690
Grow Home 330,240 323320
Motorsport Manager 330,158 415200
LEGO Batman3: Beyond Gotham 330,037 313690
Squishy the Suicidal Pig 328,982 318430
Data Hacker: Reboot 328,357 331790
The Room 327,417 288160
Simply Chess 327,332 312280
MANDAGON 326,618 461560
Escape This 326,346 467370
Planets Under Attack 325,744 218510
Supraball 325,150 321400
Eternal Card Game 324,938 531640
Dead Maze 324,662 667890
Audiosurf 2 324,405 235800
Ratz Instagib 324,272 338170
And Yet It Moves 324,236 18700
Trashville 323,864 589390
Invasion: Brain Craving 323,181 423710
God Mode 322,132 227480
Battlefleet Gothic: Armada 321,637 363680
The Bridge 320,817 204240
The Hat Man: Shadow Ward 320,602 291010
Zeno Clash 320,458 22200
South Park: The Fractured But Whole 320,160 488790
HunieCam Studio 320,028 426000
The Jackbox Party Pack 3 319,411 434170
Gems of War - Puzzle RPG 319,394 329110
Spintires: MudRunner 319,213 675010
F1 2016 318,467 391040
NEKOPARA Vol. 2 318,426 420110
Elements: Soul of Fire 318,054 340650
Mortal Online 316,391 287920
Atom Zombie Smasher 316,352 55040
Rec Room 316,036 471710
One Way Heroics 315,869 266210
SimplePlanes 314,932 397340
LUFTRAUSERS 314,885 233150
Pool Nation FX Lite 314,286 314000
Tricky Towers 314,191 437920
Shank 312,665 6120
Star Chronicles: Delta Quadrant 311,967 383330
Atonement: Scourge of Time 310,592 385070
Yellow: The Yellow Artifact 310,339 486820
Project Starship 310,160 454890
Insanity Clicker 310,042 393530
Half Minute Hero: Super Mega Neo Climax Ultimate Boy 309,617 214830
Might & Magic: Clash of Heroes 309,591 61700
Abyss Odyssey 308,646 255070
Dungeon of Zolthan 307,976 463220
MX vs. ATV Reflex 307,610 55140
Mercenary Kings: Reloaded Edition 307,315 218820
The Jackbox Party Pack 307,175 331670
Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator 306,906 654880
Make it indie! 306,739 357900
Binary Domain 306,463 203750
Blackguards 305,941 249650
Her Story 305,686 368370
METRO CONFLICT: THE ORIGIN 304,620 662320
Magic 2015 - Duels of the Planeswalkers 303,768 255420
Viking: Battle for Asgard 300,593 211160
Tooth and Tail 300,539 286000
City of Chains 300,130 412170
Stronghold 2: Steam Edition 300,020 40960
Kingdom Rush 299,922 246420
The Jackbox Party Pack 2 299,913 397460
Devil May Cry 4 Special Edition 299,184 329050
Serious Sam Fusion 2017 (beta) 298,645 564310
LYNE 298,463 266010
LISA 297,947 335670
Renegade Ops 297,463 99300
The District 296,190 357770
Star Saviors 295,982 314450
Pit People 295,630 291860
Dark and Light 295,606 529180
Bejeweled 3 295,211 78000
Ticket to Ride 295,151 108200
There's Poop In My Soup 294,984 449540
Blood Bowl 2 294,476 236690
Elements II: Hearts of Light 293,115 448640
STRIDER / ストライダー飛竜 292,888 235210
Sonic Adventure DX 291,205 71250
VA-11 Hall-A: Cyberpunk Bartender Action 290,658 447530
EVERSPACE 290,326 396750
Street Warriors Online 290,227 417910
BATTLETECH 289,619 637090
Tricolour Lovestory 289,264 668630
Montaro 288,782 495890
Monkey Island 2 Special Edition: LeChuck’s Revenge 288,297 32460
Aragami 287,729 280160
Downwell 287,413 360740
Outrage 287,010 457820
Rocketbirds: Hardboiled Chicken 286,849 215510
Worms W.M.D 286,591 327030
Drayt Empire 286,567 502140
Rivals of Aether 286,514 383980
For The King 285,696 527230
Space Farmers 285,436 271570
Turbo Pug 3D 285,208 528510
Tales of Berseria 284,444 429660
Missing Translation 284,121 395520
Fall of Civilization 283,367 467010
Hatoful Boyfriend 283,021 310080
Half Dead 282,077 434730
Dungetris 281,912 462200
Incitement 3 281,562 391660
Madballs in Babo:Invasion 281,079 25700
Oxenfree 280,771 388880
Retro City Rampage DX 280,667 204630
Little Nightmares 280,612 424840
HellAngel 280,536 524340
Stigmat 280,103 403570
LOST PLANET 3 279,675 226720
PIGMENTUM 279,593 582280
Pid 278,689 218740
Shadow Warrior Classic Redux 278,226 225160
The Walking Dead: A New Frontier 278,042 536220
Atonement 2: Ruptured by Despair 277,061 533820
Domina 276,003 535230
Guardians of Orion 275,847 407840
Omerta - City of Gangsters 275,454 208520
Castle Story 275,014 227860
Trouble In The Manor 274,955 338530
Nuclear Contingency 274,316 540900
Rise of the Triad 272,986 217140
CPUCores :: Maximize Your FPS 272,887 384300
Batman - The Telltale Series 272,720 498240
Cat Goes Platform 272,633 567250
Game of Thrones 272,599 208730
The Cave 271,663 221810
DiRT 4 270,550 421020
Trolley Gold 270,525 498320
Rock of Ages 2: Bigger & Boulder 270,427 434460
Shadowrun: Hong Kong - Extended Edition 268,438 346940
Orbital Gear 267,763 298520
Desolate Wastes: Vendor Chronicles 267,723 563120
Germ Wars 267,647 557680
hack_me 267,561 526740
BIT.TRIP BEAT 267,116 63700
Home Behind 267,054 467960
METAL SLUG DEFENSE 266,981 356310
Divinity: Dragon Commander 265,816 243950
Fluffy Creatures VS The World 265,237 619400
Day of the Tentacle Remastered 265,169 388210
Project CARS 2 264,945 378860
Camera Obscura 264,412 341500
Take Thy Throne 264,026 491260
Road Madness 263,944 457710
Tabletopia 263,899 402560
Dead Rising 2: Off the Record 263,656 45770
Bit Blaster XL 263,361 433950
Stealth Inc 2: A Game of Clones 261,792 329380
Unalive 261,546 574640
Wizard of Legend 261,463 445980
Next Day: Survival 260,661 519190
Legend of Grimrock 2 260,443 251730
Deep Space Dash 260,100 493650
OLDTV 259,813 643270
Grind Zones 259,441 327680
Labyronia RPG 259,225 391260
POSTAL 258,861 232770
Hyper color ball 258,593 515470
Age of Conquest IV 257,484 314970
Rampage Knights 257,372 314410
Battle Royale Trainer 257,046 772540
Final Quest II 256,959 540020
Greyfox RPG 256,746 341310
The Four Kings Casino and Slots 256,424 260430
PixARK 256,179 593600
DuckTales: Remastered 255,766 237630
Pool Nation 255,171 254440
Shatter 255,073 20820
The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing II 254,601 272470
ELEX 254,457 411300
Legend of Mysteria RPG 254,231 407230
The Legend of Heroes: Trails in the Sky 254,152 251150
Blood Bowl: Chaos Edition 253,538 216890
Grand Pigeon's Duty 253,400 449530
Deadfall Adventures 252,514 231330
Owlboy 251,798 115800
Pixel Puzzles: Japan 250,430 284950
Streamline 249,845 252850
Chaos on Deponia 249,600 220740
My Time At Portia 249,441 666140
Spikit 248,909 509110
Run Away 248,496 629280
Stronghold Legends: Steam Edition 248,308 40980
SOS 248,224 619080
RUSH 248,133 38720
Stacking 248,039 115110
Prominence Poker 247,520 384180
Bridge Constructor 247,455 250460
Idle Champions of the Forgotten Realms 247,248 627690
Momodora: Reverie Under The Moonlight 246,833 428550
The Basement Collection 246,622 214790
Project Highrise 246,461 423580
Drop Alive 246,280 513450
Capsized 246,235 95300
LEGO STAR WARS: The Force Awakens 245,948 438640
FINAL FANTASY XIII-2 244,770 292140
Detention 244,747 555220
RADical ROACH Remastered 244,616 301750
The Land of Dasthir 244,539 545700
Reset 1-1 244,440 491650
The Typing of The Dead: Overkill 244,364 246580
Under Zero 243,413 454930
Master of Orion 243,222 298050
GOD EATER 2 Rage Burst 243,065 438490
Sleeping Valley 243,018 538590
Warriors of Vilvatikta 242,938 515690
ENSLAVED: Odyssey to the West Premium Edition 242,618 245280
Ziggurat 242,342 308420
Minimum 242,221 214190
Iron Sky: Invasion 241,819 224900
Gunscape 241,759 342480
Crawl 241,677 293780
Sonic CD 241,011 200940
Royal Quest 240,272 295550
Hatred 240,088 341940
Shelter 2 239,901 275100
Shake Your Money Simulator 2016 239,823 448660
Data Hacker: Initiation 239,817 311860
HOARD 239,813 63000
Jazzpunk: Director's Cut 239,119 250260
Energy Cycle 238,706 415960
Mad Hunter 238,654 558610
Jet Racing Extreme: The First Encounter 238,249 385270
Cities in Motion 237,970 73010
SolForge 237,212 232450
Get digital download codes for any of these game for free at https://oppfiles.com/883332

What this is:

This is a weekly, curated listing of Kickstarter tabletop games projects that are either:

• newly posted in the past 7 days, or
• ending in the next 7 days (starting tomorrow) and have at least a fighting chance of being funded.

All board game projects meeting those criteria will automatically be included, no need to ask. (But the occasional non-board game project may also sneak in!)
Expect new lists each Sunday sometime between 12:00am and 12:00pm PST.

Ending Soon

Project Info	Status	Backers	Avg Pledge	Ending	Comments
Feudum: The Queen's Army Foil the Queen's treachery and rise to power in this solo player variant of the game Feudum! (Has currently earned $56,316 of $15,000)	375%	1402	$40	08-21	kicktraq
Chess Workshops for the Underserved We are providing educational and fun workshops for the underserved youth in our community. (Has currently earned $531 of $100)	531%	26	$20	08-21	kicktraq #take2
1879 London Adventure and Sourcebook This is for the art & printing budget for two books already written and laid out, an adventure set in London and the London Sourcebook. (Has currently earned $8,374 of $7,500)	111%	124	$68	08-21	kicktraq #rpg
Dungeons of Doom III - Dragon Slayers - Star Hat Miniatures Delvers Lost in the Dungeons of Doom 3: Heroic scale fantasy miniatures sculpted by hand and cast in metal for RPGs and Tabletop Games. (Has currently earned $12,144 NZD of $1,000 NZD)	1214%	101	$120 NZD	08-21	kicktraq #minis
Espionage: The Card Game Espionage is a 4-8 player illustrated party card game based around secrets, politics and ruling the world. (Has currently earned £3,570 of £3,500)	102%	60	£60	08-21	kicktraq
Hands in the Sea - 2nd Edition A card driven wargame inspired by "A Few Acres of Snow". Players take over the role of Rome and Carthage, during the First Punic War. (Has currently earned $44,951 of $20,000)	224%	738	$61	08-21	kicktraq #2.0 1st ed
Ancient Dice: 50,000 Year Old Dice Prehistoric dice, handcrafted from Ancient Kauri, the world's oldest wood - perfectly preserved since The Stone Age! (Has currently earned £15,419 of £1,000)	1541%	745	£21	08-22	kicktraq #dice
Right Or Racist - Hilarious Trivia Game About Stereotypes The Party Trivia Card Game About Stereotypes (Has currently earned $1,692 of $500)	338%	68	$25	08-22	kicktraq #take2
Blind Wizard Brawl Blind Wizard Brawl is a phygital game (hybrid tabletop game which requires a free app) about bluffing your spells to victory! (Has currently earned £2,447 of £2,900)	84%	125	£20	08-22	kicktraq
VISITOR in Blackwood Grove A mysterious Visitor has crashed in Blackwood Grove. Race to figure out the secret rule as the Agent or the Kid in this induction game! (Has currently earned $29,777 of $9,000)	330%	1321	$23	08-22	kicktraq
Gameception - The Game Within A Game Enhance your game night by playing a game while you play other games. Intrigued? Learn more... (Has currently earned $9,364 of $2,500)	374%	393	$24	08-23	kicktraq
Ogrezine - The Ogre Magazine Ogrezine is a collection of Ogre articles curated by line editor Drew Metzger. Also, we have some minis. (Has currently earned $11,320 of $1,000)	1132%	810	$14	08-23	kicktraq
Polite Society: The Jane Austen Board Game The ultimate game for literary nerds and board gamers alike. "Why not seize the pleasure at once?" (Has currently earned $41,760 AUD of $18,000 AUD)	231%	867	$48 AUD	08-24	kicktraq
Legacy: Life Among the Ruins 2nd Edition A tabletop RPG about rebuilding after the apocalypse, now funding its second edition. Tell your saga of rediscovery across generations! (Has currently earned £37,076 of £8,000)	463%	1017	£36	08-24	kicktraq #rpg
Super Chibi Round 3 ROUND 3! It's time for Super Chibi Round 3, This time with a touch of fantasy. (Has currently earned $1,574 of $900)	174%	58	$27	08-25	kicktraq #minis
PALADIN: Warriors of Charlemagne Charge into the exciting medieval world as a paladin of the great Charlemagne! Based on the award-winning game King Arthur Pendragon! (Has currently earned $58,880 of $10,000)	588%	1048	$56	08-25	kicktraq
Container: 10th Anniversary Jumbo Edition! A reprint of the classic economic game "Container" by Mercury Games! This classic returns in a 10th Anniversary Jumbo Edition! (Has currently earned $88,396 CAD of $12,500 CAD)	707%	853	$104 CAD	08-25	kicktraq #2.0 1st ed
Rise of Cthulhu - Final Stock Sale Rise of Cthulhu is a strategic card game of influence and horror for 2 players. (Has currently earned $7,474 of $2,000)	373%	173	$43	08-25	kicktraq
Cover Me Do you have what it takes to predict the new trends in fashion? Build the best portfolio and become the most famous magazine! (Has currently earned €4,803 of €7,500)	64%	70	€69	08-25	kicktraq
Cauldron: Bubble and Boil Board Game Cauldron: Bubble and Boil is a board game of hexing, gardening and potion brewing. May the best (or worst?) witch or warlock win! (Has currently earned $9,899 of $14,700)	67%	184	$54	08-25	kicktraq #take2
Stonehaven Adventurers 2017 We're producing a diverse group of 28mm miniature heroes for role-playing, dungeon-crawling, dragon-slaying, and tabletop wargaming. (Has currently earned $21,644 of $3,000)	721%	317	$68	08-25	kicktraq #minis
Ninjitsu! - the Ninja card game for all ages A gorgeous game of bluffing and subterfuge for 2-5 sneaky ninjas. The standalone sequel to the hit game Scuttle! (Has currently earned $80,845 of $3,000)	2694%	2480	$33	08-26	kicktraq
Final Boss: The card game A card game where players compete against each other to defeat the Final Boss. (Has currently earned €17,240 of €9,000)	191%	523	€33	08-27	kicktraq
CRIT KIT - Dice Tray and Portable Dungeon CRIT KIT - Dice Tray and Portable Dungeon with modular walls. (Has currently earned $2,186 of $2,500)	87%	18	$121	08-27	kicktraq #bling
Before The Earth Explodes: A retro sci-fi card game. Use clever tactics and intuition to do whatever it takes to claim the glory for saving humanity...BEFORE THE EARTH EXPLODES! (Has currently earned $7,642 of $6,000)	127%	298	$26	08-27	kicktraq

New This Week

Project Info	Status	Backers	Avg Pledge	Ending	Comments
Adventure Game Mats Kickstarter Exclusive: 10 Fantasy designed Adventure game mat that can be used for your campaign or gaming purposes. (Has currently earned $1,469 of $1,250)	117%	19	$77	09-20	#bling
Allegiance - Official Trading Card Game Gain Allegiance with a nation's warriors, and they will embrace orders and lead you to victory in this collectable trading card game. (Has currently earned $588 of $85,000)	0%	6	$98	09-12	#hmm
Avertigos- A 3D Boardgame with Flying Sail-Ship Miniatures A unique Board Game with moddable Sail-Ships engaging in innovative 3D Tactical manoeuvres on the Table top. (Has currently earned $48,525 of $102,481)	47%	178	$273	09-24
BIDBIDBID - a funny auction card game An auction card game with strategy and funny for 2-4 players.5 minutes to learn,happy to play. (Has currently earned $265 CAD of $10,000 CAD)	2%	8	$33 CAD	09-17
Biggest Baddest Baddie Card Game Have you ever wondered what it would be like to control a fire-breathing giant chicken that has on steel armor? Sure you have! (Has currently earned $259 of $3,500)	7%	7	$37	09-14
Boardom Busters: 4 Games Of Skill Returns! We are bringing back this small collection of skill games for everyone to enjoy! (Has currently earned $209 of $25)	836%	32	$7	08-20
BraveGuard Heroic adventures await in this exciting fantasy world. Guide your Hero on a path to become the Champion! (Has currently earned $10,429 of $37,000)	28%	154	$68	09-14
Chronicles of the Wayfarer - The Lawgiver, Unmasked Boyd's Toys is producing a high quality and very detailed resin bust to help support our ongoing project, Chronicles of the Wayfarer. (Has currently earned $1,473 of $1,000)	147%	33	$45	08-28	#bling #minis
Crokinole 2018 Beech Hardwood 2-4 Player Dexterity Game This great dexterity game is the #4 Family Game of All Time & normally costs $300 or more! "Get a high-quality board at 1/3 the price!" (Has currently earned $13,745 of $30,000)	45%	118	$116	09-06
Darkholds: Ancient Barrows In the dark holds, YOU command heroes to gather treasure, fight creatures of darkness and gain the ultimate prize - life after death... (Has currently earned £61,916 of £150,000)	41%	733	£84	09-05
Death Path - Card & Dice Game from Zlurpcast Death Path is multi-player card & dice game set in the near future in which Subjects are forced to navigate through a fearsome maze. (Has currently earned $6,017 of $10,000)	60%	99	$61	09-14
Digital Dungeon Rooms 50+ Assorted Beautiful Detailed Digital PNG Catacomb, Sewer & Dungeon Rooms for Fantasy RPG. Available for 25mm, 28mm and 32mm scales. (Has currently earned $3,647 AUD of $750 AUD)	486%	59	$62 AUD	09-07	#bling
Era of Battles Era of Battles: Alliances, Apocalypse, and Exodus. These are strategy card games that take place in a high fantasy setting. (Has currently earned $745 of $10,000)	7%	8	$93	10-03
Eschaton: Sigils of Ruin An expansion for the cult strategy deck-building game. (Has currently earned $2,219 of $3,500)	63%	89	$25	09-18	#expansion base game
Expedition: The Horror The first expansion for Expedition: The Roleplaying Card Game. New mechanics, enemies and abilities inspired by Cthulhu! (Has currently earned $7,171 of $7,000)	102%	243	$30	09-16	#expansion base game
Fatcats: a fun, family card game with a sinister twist. Fatcats is a strategic card game of temporary alliances. Team up to rule the city...but be careful: it's every fatcat for themselves. (Has currently earned $2,499 of $8,000)	31%	56	$45	09-15
Forager - Tabletop Napoleonic Skirmish Game - Stand to Games A fast fun Napoleonic tabletop skirmish game where players command several individual characters to complete scenarios and play games. (Has currently earned £3,820 of £4,500)	84%	101	£38	10-13
Frills & Fauna: Overlords Frills & Fauna is back and this time we're offering a more sinister selection of miniatures for your pleasure. (Has currently earned £714 of £300)	238%	19	£38	08-31	#minis
Heroes of Karth: Deathmatch™ A fantasy deck-building strategy card game for 2-4 players based on the Heroes of Karth™ book series. (Has currently earned $1,081 CAD of $2,000 CAD)	54%	13	$83 CAD	10-13
Lazy Gamer Tables These tables are great for map storage and usage for any tabletop game. Also fits most standard board games. (Has currently earned $2,896 of $20,000)	14%	13	$223	09-16	#bling
Legends of Draxia: Corrupted Mana Expansion New Spells, Buildings, and Characters bring direct PvP action into the fantasy-themed resource management card game, Legends of Draxia (Has currently earned $4,490 of $2,500)	179%	70	$64	10-02	#expansion base game
Ogre Cheerleaders Ogre Cheerleaders: Cheering as good as they smell! A fun, light-hearted, set-collection game for 2(ish)* players. (Has currently earned $923 of $3,600)	25%	43	$21	09-14
Omnitray: The Modular Board Game & Tabletop Player Organiser Omnitray is a fully customisable, modular board game and tabletop gaming player aid that assists you with a range of your gaming needs (Has currently earned £15,752 of £1,500)	1050%	273	£58	09-05	#bling
Penguin Brawl: Heroes of Pentarctica Summon a penguin, arm it to the teeth, and lay waste to your enemies in this fast paced action card game created to make people smile. (Has currently earned £5,671 of £12,000)	47%	267	£21	09-21
QST - THE TABLETOP GAME SUBSCRIPTION BOX! QST is the subscription tabletop game box that delivers a BRAND NEW, NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN game crafted by CREATIVE SUPERSTARS every month! (Has currently earned $23,026 of $600,000)	3%	129	$178	09-29
Radiant - A War in Three Ages The Radiant Cycle has turned again—the War of Three Ages is upon us. Control the beautiful land of Perim with trick-taking battles. (Has currently earned $12,054 of $8,200)	147%	298	$40	09-14	#take3
Roil: The Strategy Card Game of Noble Power Buidling A family friendly strategy card game for 2-5 players. Build your court, steal cards, and allow cruel fate to brutalize your opponents. (Has currently earned $791 of $4,500)	17%	12	$66	09-18
Samurai Vassal - The Card Game A fun and fast card game that mimics how samurais competed against each other by earning their daimyo’s trust in Feudal Japan. (Has currently earned HK$8,540 of HK$30,000)	28%	41	HK$208	09-28
Spirit Realms - Tengoku-SR Tengoku-SR is an epic fast paced turn based family friendly card game where players create armies, defend forts & capture Thrones. (Has currently earned $140 of $10,000)	1%	3	$47	10-01
Superhero: 2044 RPG with Miniatures Description to come. (Has currently earned $929 of $100,000)	0%	17	$55	10-15	#rpg
Swords in the Stone - Arthurian themed d6 Dice! Whoso pulleth out these dice from this dice bag is rightwise king born of all England! These d6s are 19mm and full of Arthurian theme! (Has currently earned $3,736 of $2,200)	169%	117	$32	09-02	#dice
Tanto Cuore: Winter Romance Winter Romance introduces Butlers, romance & new game mechanics to Tanto Cuore! Ignite the fires of love to escape the cold of winter! (Has currently earned $60,531 of $20,000)	302%	472	$128	09-14	#expansion base game
Time Machine Death Race! Start up your machines and load the booster packs.It's time to fight your way through all the checkpoints and return victorious or die! (Has currently earned $419 of $10,000)	4%	9	$47	09-24
Unstable Unicorns A strategic card game that will destroy your friendships...but in a good way. (Has currently earned $220,256 of $10,000)	2202%	4909	$45	09-15
Vanagard Vanagard is a collaborative table-top story telling game. (Has currently earned $4,271 CAD of $12,700 CAD)	33%	114	$37 CAD	09-14
Vegas Wits & Wagers Turn your living room into a Vegas casino. Wits & Wagers is history's most award-winning party game, and it just got better. (Has currently earned $14,406 of $30,000)	48%	360	$40	09-08	#expansion base game
Wanted Earth Miniatures Board Game An action packed miniatures board game for 1-7 players. Play as heroes defending Earth or alien races trying to take it over! (Has currently earned $18,654 of $49,000)	38%	213	$88	09-20	#take2
Wizards' Towers Wizards' Towers is a family game about building tower from wooden elements and casting spells to attack other players towers. (Has currently earned £764 of £6,000)	12%	21	£36	09-14

Looking for more comprehensive Kickstarter gaming information? Check out the meta listings on BGG, explore Kicktraq's data-driven views, or, of course, Kickstater's Tabletop Category.

Footnotes

• #hmm means that something about the project seems a little off. Buyer beware kinda thing.
• #lolwut is reserved for projects that seem like trainwrecks. Check 'em out for amusement.
• #take tags are for projects that have been restarted for some reason, with the number indicating what iteration we're currently on.
• Did I miss something? Particularly stuff that might go in the Comments column? Let me know and I'll add it in.

Tip Jar - Keep me in Kickstarter money.